TOP TEN DISCIPLINE PRINCIPLES by Dr Sears |
5. EXPECT OBEDIENCE
Your child will be as obedient as you expect, or as defiant as you allow. When we ask parents of obedient kids why their children obey, they all answer, "Because we expect them to." Simple as this sounds, many parents let this basic fact of discipline slip away. They are too busy, their child is "strong-willed;" they make excuses: "It's just a developmental phase."
In the early years children don't know what behavior is acceptable or unacceptable until you tell them. one evening at a kid-friendly restaurant, we observed two families handling the same discipline situation in two different ways. The two-and-a-half-year-old in one family was incessantly climbing over the back of the booth, and she kept this climbing behavior up until it became disruptive to nearby patrons. Wimpy "don'ts" from the parents did not deter the persistent climber. It was clear this child had no idea that climbing was unacceptable behavior. She got the message, "We prefer that you not climb, but we're not going to do anything about it."
Another two-and-a-half-year-old got a different message and showed different behavior. The parent sat the child next to him, frequently acknowledged the child, and kept him involved in the family conversation. As soon as the toddler began to climb, the father immediately redirected him and politely planted the climber back in his seat. With a combination of creative distraction and respectful restraint, the parent conveyed to the child that he was expected to refrain from climbing because climbing would disturb the people in the next booth. The child got the message that any effort to climb the seat would not be okay. The child filed this experience into his memory bank, to be retrieved the next time they went to a restaurant when, presumably, he made fewer attempts to climb over the seat.
Was the parent in the second family exhibiting controlling behavior? Yes, but in the right sense of the term. Abusive control is when you forcibly impose your will upon your child, expecting him to obey, but to the detriment of your relationship. When you insist on obedience and help the child to get control of himself, you are using your power over the child in a good way that helps him develop inner controls. Remember, children want limits so that they don't feel out of control, and they want parents to stand by those limits. They keep testing the limits to see if you will uphold them. When you don't, the child feels anxious that no one is strong enough to contain him. To a child, that is scary.
